being a British shell-scripter

21 Apr

After increasing frustration at feeling marginalised as a British shell scripter, I have decided to come up with my own custom-built pre-processor for us Brits.

Firstly, I thought I’d tackle something a little bigger. It would be handy if the interpreter itself could have a one-character modification. Instead of using $ to delimit variables we should really be standing shoulder-to-shoulder with our £-signs.

After that, as I think I sed earlier, a pre-processing script can be applied. Just for completeness, of course you’d actually have to change the variables along the lines of sed ‘_$_£_’ and just hope for the best that there isn’t a string in there saying “print The $ is really down against the £ these days.” But then, why on earth would you have a script that said *that*! (I’m assuming all you dear readers are at least above the deep and murky depths of having any dealings whatsoever to do with a financial institution, of all places.)

Then it all begins to get rather straightforward.

sed ‘_ize_ise_’ | sed ‘_o_ou_’ | sed ‘_er _re _’

…and gurgling merrily along the pipe to…

sed ‘_big_traditional_’…Oh, actually, make that sed ‘_big_traditional_g’ as there’s bound to be more than one “big” per line.

Now, to avoid boring all those of you who don’t actually care about the mundane ordinary ‘covering all bases’ required to write the script, I’ll just sketch out the basics.

The next stage would involve a rather intensive cross-referencing search of some american-theosaurus-data-structure, suitably picking out all those “big” words, and replacing them with apples-and-plums-on-an-autumn-afternoon words.

After this it gets even more tedious, as we reach the stage where a complete purge of all those yucky complete fabrications of the English language is necessary. Complete obliteration, leaving no trace whatsoever is the preferred option – “deizeing”, I suppose you could call it. “Translate it?” You must be joking! It would send shivers down my spine to even pretend to associate with such words.

Anyhow, I now need to take a break before my body temperature hits -5, thanks to having thoughts of all those adorable-but-hated shivery words.

  • 1st prise of a Kit-Kat chunky to the first commenter to make me literally l.o.l.

Ps: In true Rachel style, I have ignored comments in the script. They will be subject to exactly the same terms as everything else, which, if I do say so myself, I thought would be quite appropriate.


Posted by on Saturday, April 21, 2007 in selfish


Tags: ,

4 responses to “being a British shell-scripter

  1. Grant

    Saturday, April 21, 2007 at 10:12 am

    Is a “theosaurus” a dyslexic dinosaur?

    sed ‘_theo_the_’


    *is desperate for that Kit Kat*


  2. Mega-scripter Zinomorph

    Wednesday, April 25, 2007 at 10:04 am

    Heh heh heh

    Paragraph 3 “After that, as I think I sed earlier…”

    Good one Padawan 🙂

  3. rach

    Wednesday, April 25, 2007 at 10:20 am


    It was my sneaky hints-file of what was to come 😉


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