15 Feb

Everything should be just fine.

Work is fine. Flat is fine(ish). Food is fine. Books are fine. Friends are fine. Family is fine. Church is more than fine.

So, why do I feel like just sticking my head in the sand!

Missed my train home today, but felt really great, as I thought I’d had a productive day at work. Now I’m home I’m just depressed… and strangely tired, despite my diligent 8 hours sleep a night.

Need time to think and reflect and meditate. I’ve been having time, but maybe I need more. There’s just so many commitments I seem to have, that sometimes I just feel like I’m getting no-where, and I should be spending more time sorting out my life, and less time being reflective.

The last few years have been pretty well laid-out. I didn’t really need to think about it… just tried my best at uni, and kept at it, knowing it would soon be over. But now, I seem to have no ‘real’ duty-goals, if that makes sense. I still want to “eat healthy, be respectable, set a good example, be a friend to anyone who needs a friend, spend time on my soul, be responsible with what I have, be content with what I have” – all the things I consider important. But there’s so many things to make choices about that just seem to eat up precious time and energy and sap motivation out of me.

Like when you’re considering whether or not to buy those new shoes… I think there’s just too much choice nowadays – if there wasn’t so much choice, we wouldn’t have to decide “what was best” and why.

It’s so easy to say “well, I do not have money in my bank for new shoes, so I won’t buy any”. But now I do have the money, but have already committed to saving it.So now it’s “Well, I can’t buy the shoes because although I have the money, I’ve put it in a black hole somewhere so that sometime in the future when I need new shoes, I’ll have the money sitting in my black hole to be able to afford them.”

Ideally, that’s the way I’d rather go… but my shoes are starting to look scruffy now, and it will not be up-to-standard for this Ed. place. Personally, I’d go for another good years wear out of them yet.

It’s this whole thing of how much do we ‘have’ to conform to the world to be seen as respectable, yet not feeling ‘free’ to make our own choices about what we consider the most responsible way to live is.

This is a rubbish post. I’m going to stop now and learn some python instead… at least that’s semi-productive.

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Posted by on Thursday, February 15, 2007 in selfish



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