07.31.08
the 101 of my mind
Recently someone mentioned the word ‘malaria’ to me, and so one whole flood of memories came pouring back.
I remembered about a promise I’d made a while back, relating to a real experience that came closest to “my worst possible Room 101″. ¹
I remember the crickets. They were the switch. When the crickets came on – sometime between the breathtaking daily thunderstorm and the darkness painting over us – then the nightmare reasserted itself… without warning, without delay, without kindness.
Instantly my blood boiled, my joints creaked, my stomach rumbled, my nose twitched. And my skin prickled. I was really ill, and my body told me so.
But it was all in the mind, really… My mind, only my mind.
And that was the scary part. You see, apparently Larium – the anti-malarial I was taking – can “do that to people”.
It was completely uncontrollable… like, stepping out of your body, and watching it happen to yourself without you being able to do anything at all to stop it. All the “physical symptoms” were purely imaginary… but no matter how wise you were to that, you could neither fight them nor accept them; only panic at your increasing entrappment.
The strangest part was the way it would turn on-and-off at night. I’d switch-on-terrified at dusk… then, in the morning, the world would all be a new fairytale again – gloriously pretty, deliciously t-shirt-temperature and with the pleasant buzz of a community all waking up at the same time and getting settled for another harmonious day together. Hardly a starker contrast.
But by evening I knew it was coming again…
There were hours of sleeplessness. Once I tried staying awake all night. But I hadn’t counted on the lights running off backup generators that got switched off sometime in the early morning. chains++
There was a quandry of pill-swallowing: do I take the next scare-mongerer, or do I meet a mosquito round the next corner? (I’m sure I inhaled a healthy dose of insect-repellant while I was at it.) And, well, rationally, I’ve no justification to not-take medication… handcuffs++
And the agony of lonliness. Whoever wants to share someone else’s mind with them!? Most especially when they’re having an off-day. Prison-cell++
But then again, I’ll admit the larium-induced state was only the most miniscule of windows onto some crazy alternative reality. But even a window is sufficient to demonstrate the terrifying situation.
My worst Room 101 would therefore be: being in a state of having no control whatsoever over my mind (and, by extension, over my body, and potentially entire being) and yet having to “live through it” by watching myself live: hearing my deranged thoughts; watching my unjustifiable actions and even having to bear the consequences of a life I hadn’t “authorised myself” to live.
And, yes, I even did get malaria in spite of it all…!
¹When I last wrote around this topic, I wanted to maintain the clique-iquette of sticking to our agreed ‘rules’ of putting stuff in a room… but I always wanted to come back and really try to scare people 
07.24.08
measly metal
Yesterday I had the very great pleasure to find myself sitting quite undignifiedly in my bottom drawer.
And it was all the fault of these ‘ere screws.
You see, diligent as I was about putting together my own flat-pack bed, the one thing I hadn’t counted on was having been given a set of unfunctional screws to put in.
Scrappy wood, yes. Shoddy workmanship (and definitely inexperienced) yes… but screws that go “snap” when they’ve felt the slightest incling of pressure… hrm, no! Poor wee darling screws, they never knew what was in it for them when they signed that contract.
More to the point… GRR!! I missed a birthday party cos I was so busy pouring sweat into a hand screwdriver (my battery died 
typical, on the other one).
Tho’ at least on the level of improving my elastic contentment, I really appreciated the simple pleasure of having a bed to lie on.
But yes… that’ll be the last time I allow Squeaky to go jumping on my bed.
07.16.08
an average day
After a long and tiring day at work, the very last company I wanted was this little chappie.
He was fair busy giving me the run-around… sneaking through the maze of egg-box corners. I got this odd suspicion that he knew what a bug-catcher looked like. Maybe it was the same chap I chucked out last week….
Ah, the dilemmas. Do I throw him out again and risk another heart attack in a week? That, or him landing in my scrambled egg? Somehow it doesn’t quite appeal. If only I could get my skin to stop crinkling and crawling, I could pluck up the courage to decide his fate.
*procrastinating moment*
But that’s too much yucky thoughts… instead I’d rather reflect on how much new-ness I’ve been slotting into my life.
Today for the first time I:
- used the ‘exposure’ settings on my camera
- sang out loud in the train shelter
- put more than two pillows on my bed at once
- used jvnc… don’t ask, its a geeky thing
- delegated a pair of leather boots for spare parts. Only I don’t know what for yet. Ideas, anyone out there?
Maybe I should try a *real* novelty, like going to bed on time I wonder what that feels like 
07.14.08
licking flames
After coming in the other night my pilot light was needing lit. But that part is a boring story, now that I’m quite the dab-hand at knowing how to do it.
The slightly more interesting part is demonstrating that I know how to make a fire. As you can see, quite a fine textbook example
Well, to give us some credit, it did start off like this:
Though I must admit, very little of the credit personally goes to me. So… I guess all this does is go to prove that my Mum never payed much attention to this man when I was a little `un. Food for thought, maybe?
Play safe, my dear readers 
~Rach~
07.10.08
Brightcove
Please say I’m not the only one who can’t even watch this without having a panic attack…
My thanks for scaring me in the first place.
07.05.08
Oh, well, maybe there’s actually some hope for me after all :-)
Charles Hamilton must be right, of course, given that I’ve never heard of him before Apparently he said:
All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible.
07.02.08
Mayhem and madness… and something more meaningful
Burning down the buildings… with little sprinklings of mischief along the way. (No, this isn’t putting out the fire, this is firmly aimed in my direction. Unfortunately, too well aimed for my liking!)
And… would this be the fruits of our labours!? Well, we did dig them up. And digging is hard work you know!
Hrmm… ok then, here’s some fruit at least. This is some peaches, I believe. Not plums, I’m quite definite of that part
And a little potential fruit. For those of you with imagination, this is actually a bunch of grapes.
